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Intro

It was on one of the Ber months days. She’s just gotten up from a sleepover with her girl friends as a celebration of the semester end. She packed her bag with rugged tops and used pants in it. She stroked her hair thrice leaving her an untidy look. Then, she came out the house, unprepared, with no idea of what’s in store for her that day.

He was from a 3-day no sleep. He took his breakfast with such uneasiness brought by the hangover of yesterday. And though feeling unwell, he decided to push open the closet, put on his red shirt, pulled the steering wheel and began heading to his another sleep-depriving outing. He spoke no word but behind his mind was full of annoyance — of a responsibility he hated to be obliged to.
She was already 20 minutes late. Shyly, she walked at the ground floor and saw group of men playing basketball.  By the time she reached their meeting place, she sighed in relief of still being earlier than most of them.
They all went downstairs eventually after the leader called for an assembly. They grouped themselves into what car they were riding in. As a newbie, she has an advantage of choosing whether she’s sitting on the first, second or third vehicle. She picked “2”. Then again, she has no idea of what’s in store for her that day.
Everybody gathered in front of their vehicles. Others lit cigarettes and prepared themselves in a long, tiring ride.
He showed off a minute before departure with his new haircut. He was carrying a black sling bag and a goofy smile on his face. It was as if he knew everyone’s going to tease him with the change.
She was just about to put her bags off her when she saw him. Her heart skipped a beat. Her knees weakened and her eyes were of disbelief. He was the guy with all of her ideals. He was the one she passed by two or three times before. Yet, with shame and control, she looked away and made it seem as if he wasn’t an out of the box.
Unfortunate and fortunate of her, they were going to be on the same vehicle. He was in front of her yet he always looked back to ask FAQs and stuff to make her feel comfortable. Consequently, she felt so. Even though she was afraid of feeling the unusual tick for him, she managed her way to keep the signals off.
He knew what her name’s meaning was. He frequently checked up on her whenever he sees her placing a hand on her head. He looked at her eyes and comfortably stayed in that moment seconds longer than three.
She was enjoying. She never knew a guy like him would be interested in her life. She couldn’t believe she was personally speaking with a guy she only sees walking down the corridor. Disagreeing to an unreal situation was the fact that she cannot have him.
2:15pm  They reached the place a little earlier than she expected. It was beautiful – the place. It was like in those books where trees and flowers were enough said. It engaged people with cameras into it.  It flashed a picturesque; very soothing and calming.
Everybody walked towards the clubhouse while he was seemingly trying to get near her. Her heart ached and she knew why. He was never going to be hers. He was just nice. Maybe, he’s that good.
Hours passed and even though he tried to get to know her to the very best, she acted normal. This has to be a catastrophe, her mind said.
The main meeting happened over a long table filled with coffees, papers and food. She was surrounded with new friends who enjoyed her company. She was surrounded with innocency of something newfangled and in a few steps behind was the boy she didn’t want to  fall in love with.
Much to her surprise, he poked her and asked, “coffee? Any drink? Inaantok ka na yata eh.” and she replied with just a nod, reassuring him that she’s okay.
She sometimes looked over her shoulders and found him eyeing her with a very worried face. Touched, she was but she told herself “he’s just being nice”.
She immediately went into her room after and rested herself. With her, was her cellphone full of messages from family members checking up on her. She refused to go out though she wasn’t ready for a shut eye. Outside was too noisy, I need some rest, she thought.
A woman with a voluptuous body and braided hair opened the door and called out “Uy, tara!”. Despite her exhaustion and “not in the mood” feeling, she felt as if it was a call of comradeship and it would be wrong to decline.
She got back to the covered space and found him with a bottle of beer. He seemed to her like a baby waiting for a mother’s care, like a man left with too many troubles. He seemed to her like he needs love he’s never gotten before.
The breaking of dawn was the sleeping time she’s just been wanting. “Productive day yet unbelievable, badtrip”
An hour before noon, she woke up, went out and found him cooking and preparing meal for everyone. When he finally turned his back, he smiled and hurriedly get food. He went close her and said “ito, buti na lang di nila naubos, kumain ka na.” That was pretty cheesy for a morning but then came the note that says “he’s just being nice”.
After lunch, it was announced that they still have few hours to bond over liquors and karaoke. She let herself be accompanied by some who she struck really kind and concluded “These people are now my favorites” with a smile.
By the time she was going to take a shower, he and his close friends invited her for a chitchat. She agreed and took a couple of shots he handed her. Things were said, signals were on and her guards were off yet everything backfired when she heard things about a part of his life she didn’t want to know. That asserted her thought. She was right with him just being nice.
On their way back to the meeting place, he asked if she could sit right next to her. Some agreed while saying “kausapin mo para di antukin” and she did. Hours of conversation made her feel okay. He made her feel okay. A friendship won’t hurt anybody, she thought.
Then he started asking about what she does everyday – hobbies, interests and even her social networking sites accounts. Just a friend wanting to keep in touch, she sighed. He reminded her several times to let him know she’s safe the moment she gets home and she nodded. In the back of her mind was refusal yet she raised eyebrows of approval so as to avoid the misconception of her attitude.
They finally arrived and just as she was going to leave,  she hurriedly faced her and said “don’t forget, ok?” she looked up and finally thought “this is madness”.
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turning point

Have you ever thought of the awaiting pitfall in return for that spotlight?

Over years, my friends, my relatives, my family especially my parents have set up standards too high for me to reach. Being a consistent medal receiver, I thought I’ve proved them already of what I am capable of.

Stepping into a new course of schooling has been hard for me at first. Compared to one roomful of students, I then have to compete with almost 14 sections. Carrying a heavier weight on my shoulders was now a tough job. I tried to get on and avoid anything that might require dose of responsibility. Those in the back of my mind were bragging thoughts of “I got that without sweat I could have them in that way still” “it’s just high school, it’s not as if these people were geniuses”. I was overwhelmed by my previous achievements so I stood proud thinking that odds were in my favor.

Getting into the highest section was a piece of cake but staying there was a different story. My susceptibility to influence and change of habit led me astray. I was too dumb to be brainwashed by my own thoughts. And I hate myself for actually believing too much from myself. Though it didn’t hurt a lot to me, I know that, that was the start of me being a disappointment to my parents. Every night then I cried myself to sleep. A twinge of pride opened my eyes to reality. Unfortunately, tasting my own medicine was the corollary. Graduating deprived by the perk of speaking in the podium hit me like a storm. It may not have been an easy-to-do-task but at least I should’ve had given it a fight.

Who would’ve ever thought that, that wasn’t yet the ‘downfall’ of my life? Not passing the entrance examination to my dream school was hardcore. I could still remember that morning when my parents saw the result. I was upstairs, half-awake, trying to keep my relationship with my bed but their poignant words were audible enough to notify me with that breaking news. My dreams were shattered. People around me were in even more awe than me. After that, I started to think I am a pro in nothing; I have never made anything deserving of a round of applause. And how I wish I could go back when schooling was as easy as saying A-B-C.

Maybe getting and having what I wanted weren’t traced in the palm of my hands. I tried to look at bygones as walls I needed to break. I took up BS Accountancy to follow the steps of my mother’s success. Even though her trust on my capabilities has already been etched, she knew I was going to get those monkeys off of my back now.

I was in it to win it. I inculcated in my mind everything from my demises to the person I had become on people’s minds. I got good grades. I edged and made people think I have what it takes. And my family went on into thinking that I have straighten up to prove them I am worthy of another chance. It was a moment I wish I could stay in a bit longer.

But I guess I turned the wrong road. It was as if I rode a carousel; I sensed the next one was something I have already encountered before. It was a timed cloud nine feeling and I hate myself for seemingly trying to reach a higher cloud without daring to jump. I paid the least effort shortly on something I want to have forever. I got knocked out and this time, it hit me harder. This was probably the worst nightmare I have ever faced with my eyes wide open. I have never heard more hurtful words than that of what came out of their mouth. I have never seen more disappointed faces than theirs. I have never poured out a river of tears in my entire life than what I did and I have never felt this regretful from any chance I took with uncertainty. I knew I didn’t have a say to this. I knew that a lot has to be done before getting their full trust again. Or worst, there exists no possibility anymore. Maybe it was I or maybe it was because of those smothering things that pushed me into refusal of what I needed the most…

“What kind of turning point do you actually need to stop and start changing?”

 

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Of falsity and deceit

Of falsity and deceit

Go on and weep
Shed a tear of a fucking lie
Swallow what you cannot admit
Breathe
Believe those eyes are for looking
Dont blame me for what you’re not seeing
Sigh despite the coated truth
Lost in yesterdays, you are
Release
Out that trap you go forth
Say you’re not falsified
Of what they see a catastrophe
Say you’re not falsified — cause,
All along it was you
Who knew this was actually true
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always

It’s always of greatest experience that makes us fully alive.
It’s always on the calmest mornings that we long for our lovers’ arms.
It’s always during the ends of laughter that we ask for beyond.
It’s always after losing that we come up with “what could bes”
It’s always of lowest turning point that we find ourselves lost and unseen.

It’s always about the beginning and the very end but never of what’s in between.

Aside
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You don’t need me

Like you do way back winter

You don’t call me

with lullabies of sweet words

you don’t feel me

like skins lingering against another

Oh, heavens, I fear

those are

premonitions

Of a broken oath

Aside
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My constant hunger

Does it bug you?

of difference

of alteration

My wail of pain

Can you hear it?

my heart’s  in shackles

slowly collapsing

Cause we live like carousels on a night fair

Where everything that happened then

Dawns over and over

So please

Change, but never your sight on me

Change, but never our adapter

Stay, and I’ll carve your name in me

Stay, cause you’re the one I need